I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I had vodka in me when I wrote it, and if you’re reading this then I had the courage to submit it.
So, it’s been awhile and my come back just happens to be the topic of the loss of an important person. It’s mostly because I felt the need to write this after hearing the loss of Robin Williams, which has been apparently done by suicide caused by depression. Of course everyone knows this by now, but I felt the need to state it just so we’re all on topic. I’ll be talking about Dead Poets Society briefly because I just watched it recently (spoilers on that part). Also, this will get personal, just a warning.
Anyway, this blog post will probably be rambling and full of tangents, but I hope you all stick it out because at the end, there will be video! Important videos that I believe people should see.
So I heard that Robin past away on my break at work after logging onto facebook and saw a post. I didn’t believe it at first, but an hour later I logged back on and started seeing news articles confirming the fact. I was, of course, and still am, shocked to hear what had happened, and even more so hearing that he committed suicide.
Of course like many people, I didn’t expect that to happen to Mr. Williams, but then after thinking about it, I remember the saying that usually those who laugh the loudest, are the ones who hurt the most. My heart has gone out to Mr. Williams and his family, because I don’t know what he had been facing for who knows how long, and I never could tell.
So, after work, I drank a small glass of Disaronno in tribute (though I also found out that night that he was a recovering alcoholic), and after awhile, I decided to watch Dead Poets Society.
Long story short, the movie was fresh to me once again, it had been too long since I last saw it. It’s in my top ten for plenty of reasons, but over all I just love the film. Robin was a wonderful choice for Mr. Keating, and he had great chemistry with the younger actors. While I love his silly movies, for the most part, I do love his serious work, because he brings his A game there as much as he does anywhere else, and it shows.
But I love the movie so much because it’s more about “Seizing the Day”, despite that that’s what all the characters do in the film. The film is also about finding your own voice, to be passionate, to love with an open heart and be accepting of new ideas and people. One of the major themes is how the older generation sometimes has the worst influence on their children, as seen with Neil and his parents. Neil wants to be an actor, his parents want him to be a doctor, he tries to go against them but it doesn’t work out and in the end he becomes suicidal due to the amount of pressure his folks place on him, and the fact they were going to force him to go their way by sending him to military school, so he kills himself with his father’s gun.
To me, being able to “Seize the Day” is good, but being your own man and having your feet pointing in the right direction is just as important before you can reach out had seize anything that you would like to. There is nothing wrong with balance, though I don’t blame those for wanting to just seize the day and go where the wind blows. Mr. Keating was trying so hard to keep those boys from falling into line, and at the end, when those few boys stand on their desks, he knew he had reached them. It didn’t matter if they didn’t become artists, writers, or musicians, but as long as they were open minded, willing to go forth without hesitation, then he did his job.
(I decided to try and stand on my little white desk here in my room to see what the fuss was about. Oh hello bed, nice to see you.)
I respect Mr. Keating, not many people are willing to try and help those who are younger realize their potential. I respect that Mr. Williams took the role, obviously it meant a lot to him or he wouldn’t have been Mr. Keating at all, he was probably a man who seized the day as much as he could, and tried to help others with his humour along the way.
But yes, I am sad that Mr. Williams is gone. I’m not going to say that he shouldn’t have done it because he was rich, or any other things people may bring up while the notice of his death is still in our minds. He deserves better than that. Obviously we’ll never know how he truly felt, the man was taken to a dark place, by his own mind no less, and at that point he just couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t find suicide to be cowardly. I can’t because I know what it’s like: I suffer from depression as well. That and social anxiety.
I’m not saying I’m clinically depressed, because I haven’t been looked at. These are self diagnosis (cue the groans from the people who may believe that I’m doing this to get attention) but I know they are true because I have the symptoms.
My social anxiety is basically me always constantly worrying what other people think about me, all the damn time. I know I should just brush this off and “go with the flow”, or laugh at myself when people are laughing at me, and I do, when I can muster up the energy to do it.
But think of it this way: you haven’t been able to actually connect with people for most of your younger life. It consists of people putting you down, telling you you’re worthless, the mistakes that you do are amplified beyond measure and you’re reminded day after day, no stop, no rest. It’s bullying, yes, but it manifests because there is no way to relieve the pressure, so when you’re older and can talk to others without the past around you, you still double check yourself; you double think, worrying about what those may think or say, or even worse after saying something you worry what they think because of what you say.
This goes on, then your mind brings up those times when it all went to hell. When people laughed at you, when people left you, when they out right hated you because even though you were nice you may have said the wrong thing without thinking.
So it goes on, and on, and on until you fall in depression because you just feel like shit, worthless. You believe that everyone hates you, that you are worth nothing, that no matter how hard you try you’ll fuck everything up, and no one cares for you, and everyone you meet will always leave you. Think about this going on for about sixteen years.
Am I saying Mr. Williams had the same problem? No. Depression can be created due to many different reasons: soldier’s have it from fighting in the war, spousal abuse, death in the family, injuries, etc. I’m just relating to you guys why I have it, and this is me just getting this out here.
But yeah, I’ve been like this for awhile now, for the past month or more, and my mind likes to remind me of the shit that I’ve done. Either it be a month or so ago, a half a year ago, a year ago, or stretching back even further. It does not stop, it will not end. This happens because of constant recycles (of people being able to push my buttons or just me taking things too seriously), or myself hurting those I care about because my own lack of social skills just makes me not realize that I am doing something wrong, and then it’s too late.
I feel older than I am. I’m 25 going on 26 and yet I feel like I’m 50.
I have no problem admitting right now that at least once a day I wish I could die.
BUT, before anyone says anything to me saying that I need help, I can say this right now: despite my mental state, I can’t pull myself to doing it.
I talked about this to one person, and they thought that it was that I had the will to live. No, it isn’t. I don’t know what keeps me going, I really don’t. I can look inside myself and not find the reason. It’s not because I’m a coward and can’t do it, it’s not because I have the will to live or there is hope, I just can’t do it and I don’t know why.
Every day I have to wake up, and wonder why, just why. That’s all. I try to be a good man. I’ve been trying to be better for a long time now. But I keep on fucking things up; I keep on hurting those who I love despite my best intentions. I feel like I can never be happy, as who wants to be with someone who’s always going to apologize for the mistakes he believes he makes (when there was nothing wrong), yet not realize that he is causing pain when he thinks he is doing good?
I know this post was suppose to be about Mr. Williams, but I just wanted to show that yes, anyone can be affected by what happened to him, and we’re all trying our best to get through each and every day. Some don’t, some do, and that’s all we can do. Mr. Williams obviously did his very best, and I love him for that. He knew he was important to everyone, but we never saw the real him, he kept it from us because he cared more about making us happy than seeing what was eating him inside.
He had done so much for us, been there when we needed some form of laughter, no matter how cheesy it really was to us, he did it because he cared, and that is more than enough. I will always love the work he has done for us, no matter what is said of him. He knew that with the skills he had he could do more in his lifetime than anyone, and he set out to do it.
I will never look at him as the poor comedian who suffered from depression, instead I will always look at him as the man who cared so much that he put others forward instead of himself. His film Dead Poets Society has been a touchstone for me, the willingness of Mr. Keating, the development of the boys, the fallout yet the courage that the young pupils show at the end, they mean so much in a film that spans two hours and ten minutes. I’ll never forget it. Mr. Williams, your legacy will always live on, no mater what.
But depression is not a joking matter. Many people suffer from this condition, and to tell someone that they need to just “get over it” or to “grow up” means that you don’t know exactly what the person is going through and you don’t seem to care. This problem is more serious than anyone can ever know, and it will take a lot of empathy and love to help the person, but it will never go away. If you ever know anyone who is suffering from depression just be there, or if you are a person who is suffering from it, please try to get some help. It’ll mean the world to you, and the people who you care about.
Here are two videos that I believe that are important. The first one is from a man named Nash Bozard, and while it is the longer of the two, I hope that you stick it out because it is important for those who suffer from Depression, and those who know people who do, to listen to it. The second one comes from a man who passed away last year. His name is Justin Carmical and he too committed suicide due to depression. He knew in the end that people loved him, but he did what he did, and there is no denying that. But the video is important, his kind words are the type that everyone should hear. So please, if you value my word, watch them.
Take care, everyone.